Time Drawn: June 2012 (Today!)
I wish I could be reliable.
Time is broken for me. Well, at least my circadian rhythm is broken. I lack the natural clock that tells people it is right to sleep at night and dance at day.
For me, sleep is largely random. Days may be of any length, sleep periods short or long. I may stay on one pattern for a bit, rising and resting in the same patterns, but in just a week or so, it shifts again.
I can’t easily shift it myself, either. Sure, for a short time, I can force myself awake. I’ll set my alarm and wake up with it, even if it means only getting 3 hours of sleep. But, 16 hours later, when most would sleep to match when they woke, I shall be barely able to even close my eyes. I’ll stay up until I can finally shut myself down for the rest period, and likely only gain another three hours of sleep that night. Or less. I often react to sleep deprivation by being unable to sleep for even longer the next night, delving deeper and deeper into the odd mental states that come with sleeplessness.
Not for me is going to bed and trying to fall asleep despite not being quite tired enough. I may try, and try I have on many a night. But I shall not fall asleep. I will fall into what I call stasis. I will wake up many hours later exactly as tired as when I went to bed. I did not lose anything, but I did not gain anything. And the strain builds up. The longer I push it, the worse things get, and the less I have the capacity for.
I can’t even fall back on the drug of the sleep-deprived, caffeine. One sip and the headache starts. More sips, and it grows. It lasts as long as the wakefulness, fading alongside it. And it ruins all faint dreams of productivity during its stay. And I have found no other stimulant that works fully for me. Ginseng tea clears the mental fog, but does naught for the physical. And finding others is difficult, for so strong is caffeine’s hold on the market that it is put into all the other stimulants I come across.
I cannot guarantee. I cannot guarantee I will be awake to work. I cannot guarantee I will even be up for the standard 16 hours, for several of the variants of my patterns call for multiple four-hour naps in a day. I cannot guarantee I will have the brainpower to form coherent sentences, much less drive or create art. I cannot guarantee I’ll even be awake at the same time as someone else, despite long-laid plans to do things together.
I sometimes wish time was not broken for me. Perhaps then the hours would not slip by me, the days seeming so similar to each other. Perhaps then I could work a standard job for a standard amount of hours in a standard pattern, and actually earn some money.
Still, it does push me to less-traveled paths, to find a way to have a broken clock in a world where punctuality is king. I would not be treading the life-path I am otherwise.
And the first hint of light as the sun rises towards the horizon is beautiful.
